Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Half Caste.

May I walk happily,
May it be beautiful before me,
May it be beautiful behind me,
May it be beautiful below me,
May it be beautiful above me,
May it be beautiful all around me.
In beauty it is finished.
...-Navajo prayer.



I like this prayer a lot.
Most times I find myself reciting it as a reflex

In beauty it is finished.




Growing up in my family, I have been confused by religion, the concept of God, science and reason.
I have searched in speakable and unspeakable places alike for ways to exercise my faith.
I have found no answer.
I believe in God.
I am in love with God.
However, I am in doubt...most of the time.

I remember a time when, as a fresh un-corrupted teen, i'd spend most mornings in church, simply talking to God, praising Him, loving him.
I'd spend five evenings a week, in church, doing God's work.
I was strong, unshaken in my faith.
I was born again.
At first, it felt really really good. I was at peace...I was at peace, first with my body, and then with my soul.
Things started to happen, bad things...then they got worse. The brethren'ld call at my house and tell me not to doubt the Lord's doing, it was a test of faith.
Then I said to myself, 'If this was what it felt like to be born again...I want none of it...NONE...at least not now'


I had no problem implementing my decision, as far as religion was concerned in my home, to-each-his-own.

My mother is a deaconess...be not decieved by this however...it is just a title...no more, no less.


I am in awe of my father...
A thousand times a day,
between my thanks for other things,
a special thank-you song,
my heart with galdness sings,
because Dear God,
of all the dads in the world,
I chose the one you gave to me.


My father is a St. ...he is strong willed...yet so soft...he is...my father.
An Enigma.
My father is a marine engineer...
One day, some nine years ago, he came home...after three months at sea, and announced, first in Italian then later in English, 'I have found the way, I have seen God!'
First, I was confused at this new dad. I was really young at the time, but my father broke down the complex story of how he was called by Allah...my father...
he had become a Muslim.
My father! He hated Moslems...it was a miracle.
But he did not, by words or action, compel any of us to follow his path.
God called him to this new world...His policy was (and still is) to leave each one of us to discover the truth.
I have discovered the truth, really:
KULIU ALLAHU ADU
ALLAHU SAMADU
LA MU YA LIDI
WA LAMU YU LADI
WA LAMU YA KUN LA HU
KUN FU WAHAD.




There is only one God...there can be only one God.
How you choose to worship him is left to you...
But you must worship him.
I haven't found a way yet.
My mother won't help me...
My father...my father and his policy...
It's a case of good cop, worse cop.
So I say these prayers everyday, I speak to God in all the languages I understand...One day, He will show me the way...
He has to.



May I walk happily,
May it be beautiful before me,
May it be beautiful behind me,
May it be beautiful below me,
May it be beautiful above me,
May it be beautiful all around me.
In beauty it is finished.

4 comments:

Standtall said...

Hmmmmmmmm, you can sitll find the answer within yourself on how to worship your God. It's really not easy with all these religion's convictions.

Loving your blog. I will be back!!!

Naughty Eyes said...

May you walk happily...
May you walk beautifully...
May God walk with you...

Buttercup said...

girl, u r pretty deep for an 18yr old...really impressive..God wud def show u the way!

Nogo said...

Wow I actually had issues with this in the past and fairly recently too. I was baptized a Methodist. Told by my Baptist church (it was close to the house and we needed a place to worship) that it was a christening and I needed to be baptized - so I was then baptized Baptist... Meanwhile I've been going to a Catholic school from first grade till University. I was also born again in my Auntie's church (don't know the denomination) Etc. Etc... But I like how you said "There is only one God...there can be only one God.
How you choose to worship him is left to you...
But you must worship him." That answers all my questions. Yeah I agree ith Buttercup - you are deep. xoxo