Friday, August 29, 2008

Let us learn to drink our own cups of tea.

Still pissed at Ndi Okereke and co. for their uncalled-for Obamamania, I found this note written by Tolu Ogunlesi on Facebook, it's really on piont. If any of you know Ndi or anyone that knows anyone that knows her, get her to read this, maybe she'll learn one or two important things from this note...especially how to take Panadol for her own headache and not Mubarak's...sorry I meant Barack.


Relocate Obama’s peasant family from Kenya to Lagos / Abuja / Calabar:

In the past Nigeria has had to endure the gross indignity of playing host to war criminals: Charles Taylor, Yormie Johnson, even Osama was said to have made Kano home at some point in the ‘90s. (Why do we always have to attract unsavory elements to our country?)

A while ago, CNN took its viewers to Kenya to see Obama’s peasant African family, complete with thatched huts and pregnant goats as backdrop. (Forget the fact that this would never have happened had Obama been Nigerian – we would have relocated the entire Obama clan, plus livestock to Asokoro or Banana Island the moment their son declared intention to run for President of the world).

This will finally be Nigeria's chance kill two birds with one stone: host a Hero’s family for once, as atonement for our traditional hospitality to fugitives, and two, revive our Big Brother role by taking the burden of caring for the Obama lineage from a less-endowed Kenya. (Country Social Responsibility?)


"There is not one Nigerian who doesn't have a relative or friend in America. Our aim was to encourage those people to tell their family who have the right to vote in America to vote for Obama." – Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke, D.G, Nigerian Stock Exchange

Fund a Promo that will see Nigerians winning mouth-watering prizes from the telecom companies by calling their based-in-America relatives to instruct them to vote for Obama. AFRICANS FOR OBAMA “CALL & WIN” PROMO.

1st Prize: A return ticket to the Democratic Convention, a front-row seat at the Presidential Inauguration in January 2009 and a mention in the Acknowledgements Page of Obama’s next book.

PS. For those of you who think MTN’s best days (in terms of out-of-this-world profits) are behind them, wait until Nigerians start 'harassing' their relatives in the US.

Donate Made-in-Nigeria ballot cards for use in the US Elections. The conceited Americans say they don’t need our money. But surely they can do with our (already thumb-printed) ballot papers. After all, if Mike Tyson voted for the PDP in Ondo State last year, why can’t Bash Ali vote for Obama come November?


Set it aside to serve as Bail Money (for Aunt Ndi) in case she’s (re-)arrested by the EFCC. But then, Nigeria’s big men and women always get off lightly when it comes to bail money prescriptions. What this means is that there’ll be more than enough money to bail the entire Africans for Obama organization in case they’re arrested en masse, as well as to pay lawyers to secure a renewable eternal order restraining the EFCC, ICPC, SSS and Police from harassing her; and the Press from mentioning her name in any of their articles.

Invite Obama to come and draw pop concert-sized crowds in Nigeria on October 1: He did it in Germany; he can do it again at the Eagle Square. He will preach a message of hope, and lay hands on our dear President Yar’Adua and all the 36 State Governors to transfer some of his anointing to them. Michelle will commission beauty parlors in all the 36 state capitals of Nigeria and launch the Turai range of affordable hair care products (under the auspices of the Beautiful Life for Rural Women pet project).

Donate it to the Electoral Law Reform Commission and INEC: They’ll need it for sensitization workshops and seminars, and for trips to America to learn how Democracy works and how free-and-fair elections are conducted.

Create a TV Reality Show:
The Next Obama! Sell forms @ 5,000 each. Contestants will be drawn from all over Africa. The show will be shot in Kenya, Nigeria and America. Contestants will be judged on charisma, speaking skills, spiritual affiliations, blackberry-savvy, fashion sense and fund-raising skills. You’ve heard of Pop Idols, this will be a show for Pol Idols.

On November 4, conduct Mock US Presidential Elections in the headquarters of all 774 Local Governments of Nigeria: Obama vs. McCain: Nigeria Decides! Then annul the results without releasing them (it might be illegal to announce them, that’s why).

Use it to Publish the potential bestseller “HOW TO RAISE FUNDS FOR PROJECTS THAT ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS: Tips from the Obasanjo and Obamafrica Projects.” [Alternative title: “HOW TO RAISE LEGAL FUNDS FOR ILLEGAL PROJECTS: The story of an Amazon’s Midas Touch”]

Set up the Lamidi Adedibu Institute for Studies in Electoral Integrity The biggest tribute to the name of the Garrison Commander will be to institute a foundation in his name. If there’s money leftover, a Leadership Prize might not be a bad idea: The Ariyibi Mugabe Prize for Amiability, Elongated Leadership and Political Sagacity.

There’s one last Choice (apologies, my 10 things always manage to become 11….)

Hire one or two (more) chartered accountants, to speed up the counting of the money (Aunt Ndi claimed in an interview days ago that the ‘Africans for Obama’ accountant had not finished counting the money). Hire more bloody accountants I say!

Epilogue: It just occurred to me that it’d be a good idea for Dr. Mrs. Okereke-Onyiuke to take ‘Africans for Obama’ public. Offer for Sale, one billion shares of Africans for Obama Nig. Ltd, at a price of X dollars per share. If it worked for Transcorp, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work for Africans4ObamaCorp.

Tolu Ogunlesi (c) August 2008

Before I forget! Y'all should go and sheck out my second blog here, i'm teaming up with Xavier NE on this. If you like the theme and you think you can contribute, you can join us, we could use more team members. Enjoy.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

A fool at my age is what???

Khama kissed me in the spring,
Laiman in the fall,
But Michael only looked at me
And never kissed at all.

Khama's kiss was lost in jest,
Laiman's lost in play,
But the kiss in Michael's eyes
Haunts me night and day.

Adapted from Sara Teasdale's(1884-1933)
The look.

I shouldn't let him hold my hand, even if I can't cross the NNPC road alone.
I souldn't let him hug me goodnight, even if it helps me sleep better.
I shouldn't let him kiss me, even if I say to myself that we're just fooling around.
I shouldn't let him...
darn! what am I going to do???

I'm in love with the love of my life...
I shouldn't let him confuse me.
We've been friends since forever, I can't just walk away!

What do I do now?
my best friend wants to ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me...

I love him...
but what I feel for my sweetness cannot be compared to our silly friendship...
I should stay away from him
but he's everywhere!
darn! what am I going to do???

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Na wa o!

What if I tell you i was expecting the wrong person at my house this morning???!!!
And I didn't know until she appeared o!
I met my old friends Sandra C and Sandra O on that cursed Facebook of a site last month...I searched for them for the fun of it and Baaam! there they were in black,white and different colors. So I went through the normal Add as a Friend routine and we got talking.
Me being the clumsy person that I am, saved Sandra O's number as Sandra C's and we've spoken like four or five times over the phone, all the while I thought I'd been speaking to Sandra C... the first time she called I was like, 'Sandra! you sound sooo different! your voice is now husky-ish' and she just laughed.

So, me with my mumurity was awaiting the Return of Sandra C live in my estate today.

Kon kon koin!!!
knock on my door...
It's Sandra O!!!
and her cousin!!!
who is incidentally schooling @ NIIT where I go too!

First thing I said was , 'I wasn't expecting you!' and she was so shocked, her cousin was like 'Oh o!'...but I covered it up with a good laugh and we had fun!

SECRET: i'm really glad t'was Sandra O that appeared @ my door this morning and not Sandra C...I like Sandra O more...if I knew earlier what Sandra I was really expecting, I wouldn't have been sooo nervous! Sandra O is really coool!

I got a call this evening from my darling friend Laiman asking me to ,'come downstairs, come downstairs!!' This guy is not supposed to be ANYWHERE around o! Boy! was I glad to see him! Nobody understands me like Laiman, the same goes for him and I hate it when he suprises me with his visits but t'wasn't really a suprise...Jack is coming home tonight!!!!
Apparently, he's not here yet....Laiman n co are picking him up @ 8!!!

By the way!!!Bloggers, I need your prayers...and fast if you can...
May I find favour in the sight of God and In the sight of men as well.

Someone too the rat out this morning before Sandra came!!!!!
Bless his or her soul.
Not that Sandra O would have minded sha!

Knowledge is power if you know it about the right person.

My very very old friend is coming over today.

Things get kinda awkward for me on these sorta visits.

We haven't seen in four years, things have changed in the past four years...I have changed in the past four years.

Sandy and I used to be like 5 and 6 in our school days...she's a very lively person, I hope upon hope that we'll have a lot to talk about...I hope upon hope that she hasn't changed o!

I have a strong phobia for uncomfortable silence.

And my house is in a mess...I should be cleaning up instead of putting up this post.

ALERT! there's a dead rat under my staircase, I even think it's something bigger than a rat...maybe it's a cat or a cow, the stench is unbearable...and unwelcoming...oh! Sandy!!!

I hope my neighbours find it in their hearts to take it out from under's embarrassing.

And my friend Jack is back in Naija...this one I haven't seen in forever...please don't come visiting today o Jack!!!!

One negative first impression about my hygiene is enough for one day...what am i saying??? it's enough for one lifetime.

Will tell y'all how it goes...pray for me.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I’m a lone traveler on a bleak landscape
---Wole Oguntokun.

So, I’ve been busy with this and that, here and there. Sweetness wants me to come visit soon so I’m applying for a visa this week…y’all should pray for me o.
I’ve had a real stressful week…and to crown it all up, I’ve been getting strange annoying phone calls and text messages from some stupid geeks.
It started with this one phone call
Me: yeah?
Focker: hello? Hello?? I’m waiting for you.
Me: who’s this?
Focker: A.Y. I’m at the café I’m waiting for you, bring it, bring it now.
Me: what café?? You have the wro….
Stupid Focker.
Phone rings again. This time, I succeed in telling him he has the wrong number and he apologises. Okay.

A few minutes later I get this text from the same number:

hello,i'm vry sorry,

it was a mistake,

pls am i 4givn?

i'm Ayo, may o be a friend

& ur name pls?

hunn! oshi. I know this thing o! i completely ignore this guy. Then different numbers start flashing my lines. They flashed so hard, i had to switch off my phones for a while. I don't make it a duty to call anonymous flashers...this thingy went on for two days non-stop, I guess I'm on a break now, but if the flashers start again, I'll publish the numbers and all of you guys can help me give them a taste of their own medicine, please.

Yesterday was a good day, I hooked up with my bestest friend Keenat and we had a swell time. First we went to Terra Kulture for Laspapi's Things Fall Apart. If you live in Lagos or are in Lagos, and you haven't seen it this month, don't miss it please, it's wonderful.
By the way, me and Keenat couldn't keep our mouths shut and there was this lady sitting in front with her boo and she kept staring back at us like we were frigging lesbos or something, we found it really really hilarious and we didn't stop whispering and giggling and holding hands, the girl almost peed in her pants. After the show, I joked about going to ask for her number and inviting her to our secret wedding in December but Keenat decided against it...but we did have time to watch the show and it was wonderful...okay, i already said that...Laspapi hasn't paid me a
Then we went to the beach (which isn't really a beach anymore sef) and just chilled looks really nice now, thanks to Lagos state govt. and Oceanic Bank.

I didn't ride no horses...that's Keenat in the pic doing her thing.
We left a while later to go get some decent food... you don't really get that on the Island on sundays.

Well now, it's back to my normal life...

and the flashers have started again...

Friday, August 8, 2008

Hakuna Matata my ass!

I keep thinking, if Skye Bank doesn't spend less on advertising and start doing something about their services (esp the internet connection) pretty soon, there will be worries...

Me, i don't like their Money System Cash Transfer thingy at all at all...and I've warned sweetness to never use it again.

At first, when I got to the bank, almost a million security people were like, 'welcome to Skye Bank madame'...ehh o! thank you sirs...welcoming me with guns and batons and that thingy for eletric shock or something.
My first thought was, 'is this the Banker's Bank???'...abi how much money could these people possibly be protecting??? o ga o.

Then that their stupid security door refused to open for like 5 minutes... me that needed money for emergency reasons!!!

Finally, I get into the hall in one piece and there are another two million people saying, 'welcome to Skye Bank madame' this the new scope??? Shio...I notice the crowd, so I run to a less busy table and politely ask for MSCF form to fill, the lady hands me Western Union form and I'm like MSCF o jare! but she says, 'go upstairs to the Western Union office, he will attend to you'
Okay o!
I climb the stairs and there's almost three million people there greeting, 'welcome to Skye Bank madame'... I spot the Western Union guy and he is all smiles (I think they just reviewed their Salary Scheme at Skye Bank), then I ask, 'How do I fill in MSCF details in this Western Union form???' and he smiles and says,'sorry madame, you don't. Just go downstairs and ask the man in uniform for FleetCash form, sorry'.
Okay now.

I finally fill the stupid form, still thinking of my emergency o!

I give the form to the guy at the counter, expecting it to take only a minute (just like it does when I use Webfast at Oceanic), 'your ID please' I give him my passport and expect him to hand over my 19,000 naira in a few seconds BUT the guy starts attending to other customers, like he knew my transaction was going to take forever!
I didn't talk o! I counted 11 customers that he attended to before he said to me,'why don't you take your seat madame, I'll call you.
'okay, no problem'...still thinking of my emergency.

I sit for about 15 minutes then a lady walks up to me and says, 'welcome to Skye Bank, may I help you?'....what rubbishhhhh!!!, *smiling*, i simply say, 'no don't worry, somebody is already helping me'.

Five minutes later, another floor manager walks up to me and is like, 'hello, welcome to Skye Bank, how may I help you???'Jesus!...*smiling* i say,'my instrument is at the counter, don't worry'.

Then the guy finally calls me after another ten minutes, 'what's the Password please??' Meeehhnnnn! 'Sweetness', I manage to say and he tells me to go and have my seat. I sigh, still thinking of my emergency.

Another floor manager stands beside me for a minute and then says, 'are you waiting for somebody madam???' I completely ignore him.

Finally, I get my 19,000 amd my passport one hour 13 minutes after getting into the bank. Thankfully, I run off to take care of my emergency...

I get to the security door, only to discover that one pregnant woman who had been running around the banking hall trying to clear her cheque had been trapped in the door, she was mighty scared. It took the whole of 2 minutes to sort it out, as soon as the guards did, she came out in tears.

I warned the security guards to leave the door open and let me jejely get out, I did, in a split second.

'thank you for chosing Skye Bank' they all muttered, some of them hailing, 'big sister! fine sister, honourable sister!!'... Me!!! give you out of my 19,000???!!! lai lai.
Eyin alabosi!

I rush out and hail a bike as fast as I can to quickly take care of my emergency.

...Then I get to the boutique and ask for the bag I saw yesterday and the lady says, 'we just sold it ten minutes ago!!!'

Hakuna mafriggingtata!!!

i'm hating Skye Bank at the moment.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Take a bow.

I fell in love with this hair...
But I thought it was the only one o...
so I went ahead and spent good money fixing this thing.

My friend OB who first saw it was like, 'ah!!! Woomie Puh-leeeease *doing that thing with the index finger and twisting his neck* who inspired this hairstyle??? take a bow???' I just laughed and told him to shut up...

Then Rex...

And Keenat...

And everybody on the street!!!!

There's not a fixing going around in Lasgidi that is not Take a Bow...

I'm so mad that everybody is copying me and Rihanna...

But I luuuuuurrrrrhhhvvvveee the hair!!!! it's the second time I fixed imy hair in my whole life and i'm absolutely loving this one...
good value for my hard earned (not personally) money.

If you're thinking of taking a bow, please make sure it's nice and fine (it almost always is), or else just forget it and don't embarrass me joo.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Who the hell is ZAIN???

Ok, so i woke up this morning to wish my all my peeps a happy new month and bam! I can't find Vmobile on my's been replaced with ZAIN NGN@ ...oookkk, so I check around my room to find out if I'm still in Naija (or if my wishes had come true and I'd been teleported to UK without all the Visa stress and long journey), luckily (or unluckily), I was still in the same bed I'd fallen asleep in last night...definitely not roaming.
This Vmobile-turned-Zain people are the most inconsistent TSP in Nigeria, first ECONET, then Vodacom then VMobile and now Zain???
They'd better not stop my 15 free texts every month or I will be less motivated to send my new month's texts to the thirty usual recipients at a subsidized
Oh well! on second thought, who cares??...I just hope their network doesn't go in-zain.
Happy New Month to y'all out there, by the way...
May we all blossom and flourish on this month of August.