Friday, August 29, 2008

Let us learn to drink our own cups of tea.

Still pissed at Ndi Okereke and co. for their uncalled-for Obamamania, I found this note written by Tolu Ogunlesi on Facebook, it's really on piont. If any of you know Ndi or anyone that knows anyone that knows her, get her to read this, maybe she'll learn one or two important things from this note...especially how to take Panadol for her own headache and not Mubarak's...sorry I meant Barack.



THE AUDACITY OF CHOICE:
10 THINGS OKEREKE-ONYIUKE CAN DO WITH HER OBAMA MONEY by Tolu Ogunlesi


1. RELOCATE THE OBAMAS
Relocate Obama’s peasant family from Kenya to Lagos / Abuja / Calabar:

In the past Nigeria has had to endure the gross indignity of playing host to war criminals: Charles Taylor, Yormie Johnson, even Osama was said to have made Kano home at some point in the ‘90s. (Why do we always have to attract unsavory elements to our country?)


A while ago, CNN took its viewers to Kenya to see Obama’s peasant African family, complete with thatched huts and pregnant goats as backdrop. (Forget the fact that this would never have happened had Obama been Nigerian – we would have relocated the entire Obama clan, plus livestock to Asokoro or Banana Island the moment their son declared intention to run for President of the world).

This will finally be Nigeria's chance kill two birds with one stone: host a Hero’s family for once, as atonement for our traditional hospitality to fugitives, and two, revive our Big Brother role by taking the burden of caring for the Obama lineage from a less-endowed Kenya. (Country Social Responsibility?)


2. PROMO

"There is not one Nigerian who doesn't have a relative or friend in America. Our aim was to encourage those people to tell their family who have the right to vote in America to vote for Obama." – Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke, D.G, Nigerian Stock Exchange


Fund a Promo that will see Nigerians winning mouth-watering prizes from the telecom companies by calling their based-in-America relatives to instruct them to vote for Obama. AFRICANS FOR OBAMA “CALL & WIN” PROMO.


1st Prize: A return ticket to the Democratic Convention, a front-row seat at the Presidential Inauguration in January 2009 and a mention in the Acknowledgements Page of Obama’s next book.

PS. For those of you who think MTN’s best days (in terms of out-of-this-world profits) are behind them, wait until Nigerians start 'harassing' their relatives in the US.


3. BALLOT PAPERS
Donate Made-in-Nigeria ballot cards for use in the US Elections. The conceited Americans say they don’t need our money. But surely they can do with our (already thumb-printed) ballot papers. After all, if Mike Tyson voted for the PDP in Ondo State last year, why can’t Bash Ali vote for Obama come November?


4. BAIL MONEY


Set it aside to serve as Bail Money (for Aunt Ndi) in case she’s (re-)arrested by the EFCC. But then, Nigeria’s big men and women always get off lightly when it comes to bail money prescriptions. What this means is that there’ll be more than enough money to bail the entire Africans for Obama organization in case they’re arrested en masse, as well as to pay lawyers to secure a renewable eternal order restraining the EFCC, ICPC, SSS and Police from harassing her; and the Press from mentioning her name in any of their articles.


5. BOOK EAGLE SQUARE
Invite Obama to come and draw pop concert-sized crowds in Nigeria on October 1: He did it in Germany; he can do it again at the Eagle Square. He will preach a message of hope, and lay hands on our dear President Yar’Adua and all the 36 State Governors to transfer some of his anointing to them. Michelle will commission beauty parlors in all the 36 state capitals of Nigeria and launch the Turai range of affordable hair care products (under the auspices of the Beautiful Life for Rural Women pet project).


6. DONATE IT
Donate it to the Electoral Law Reform Commission and INEC: They’ll need it for sensitization workshops and seminars, and for trips to America to learn how Democracy works and how free-and-fair elections are conducted.


7. REALITY TV
Create a TV Reality Show:
The Next Obama! Sell forms @ 5,000 each. Contestants will be drawn from all over Africa. The show will be shot in Kenya, Nigeria and America. Contestants will be judged on charisma, speaking skills, spiritual affiliations, blackberry-savvy, fashion sense and fund-raising skills. You’ve heard of Pop Idols, this will be a show for Pol Idols.


8. ‘MOCK ELECTIONS’
On November 4, conduct Mock US Presidential Elections in the headquarters of all 774 Local Governments of Nigeria: Obama vs. McCain: Nigeria Decides! Then annul the results without releasing them (it might be illegal to announce them, that’s why).


9. BOOK PROJECT
Use it to Publish the potential bestseller “HOW TO RAISE FUNDS FOR PROJECTS THAT ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS: Tips from the Obasanjo and Obamafrica Projects.” [Alternative title: “HOW TO RAISE LEGAL FUNDS FOR ILLEGAL PROJECTS: The story of an Amazon’s Midas Touch”]


10. ENDOWMENT
Set up the Lamidi Adedibu Institute for Studies in Electoral Integrity The biggest tribute to the name of the Garrison Commander will be to institute a foundation in his name. If there’s money leftover, a Leadership Prize might not be a bad idea: The Ariyibi Mugabe Prize for Amiability, Elongated Leadership and Political Sagacity.

There’s one last Choice (apologies, my 10 things always manage to become 11….)


11. RECRUIT
Hire one or two (more) chartered accountants, to speed up the counting of the money (Aunt Ndi claimed in an interview days ago that the ‘Africans for Obama’ accountant had not finished counting the money). Hire more bloody accountants I say!


Epilogue: It just occurred to me that it’d be a good idea for Dr. Mrs. Okereke-Onyiuke to take ‘Africans for Obama’ public. Offer for Sale, one billion shares of Africans for Obama Nig. Ltd, at a price of X dollars per share. If it worked for Transcorp, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work for Africans4ObamaCorp.


Tolu Ogunlesi (c) August 2008


Before I forget! Y'all should go and sheck out my second blog here, i'm teaming up with Xavier NE on this. If you like the theme and you think you can contribute, you can join us, we could use more team members. Enjoy.

12 comments:

Chari said...

LOL!!!!

tHIS TOLU guy is too funny! ahnahn!

I saw one article too that he wrote on all those multi level marketing thingies...chai!

P.S:I don update o

Standtall said...

When u mentioned his mane on my blog, I sorted him out and added him as a friend after which I had access to read this and it was worth it

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Toulu's piece was hilarious but it makes me feel sorry for Nigeria. Especially when he said Naija should send 'Made in Nigeria' ballots to the US. We couldn't even make ballots for our own elections. We had to import them from South Africa in 2007.

Buttercup said...

its funny how humor comes out of every situation...i can just see the look on ndi's face if she ever gets to read this...the author shud probably publish this in the nigerian newspapers..under an alias of course....

wellsbaba said...

lol...hahaha....dat was some hilariuos read! but some peeps can b funny o...ow u doin?I think he shud send it to EFCC they wud gladly use it to mock Ndi...lol

wellsbaba said...

lol.....d dudes funny he shud post it to d EFCC dey wud gladly accept it to mock d woman...lol

Parakeet said...

Thumbs up to Tolu Ogunlesi and to you for you posting this...like you said very on point and that Ndi woman needs to just go back to her village and tend to vegetables. We dont need women like her putting other women to shame. Whatever happened to the Dora Akunyilis of this world.

Thanks for commenting on my page

africa entertainment plus sports said...

It's amazing how issues are twisted and otherwise noble ideas rubbished with propaganda just to bring someone down.
Tolu Ogunlesi is not the issue (his piece is actually hilarious),but those that started this anti Obama Group campaign.

africa entertainment plus sports said...

It's amazing how issues are twisted,facts overlooked,and otherwise commendable efforts rubbished just to bring a personality down.

Tolu Ogunlesi is hilarious.I enjoyed the piece.Let's just think deeper:Would an Obama victory have a significant effect on us or not?

poeticallytinted said...

LOL! Completely hilarious. I am in stitches. Heard on the radio this morning as i drove to work that 74million naira (or was that billion) was recovered from the organisation, EFCC is currently working out modalities on paying the contributors back. LOL. I doubt they'll ever smell the money again. Look at it this way, afterall they didn't care about the money when they were throwing it away abi?

aloted said...

LOL...was going to post this as well..but I had a feeling you were going to ;)

Tolu used to blog i wonder why he stopped sef..I shld go harass him..

For anyone interested his blog url is http://omoalagbede.blogspot.com/

Naughty Eyes said...

This Tolu sef? LOL! No, seiously, if you think really deep about it, some of his/her(?) ideas do seem very sound, humour apart. Ndi really needs to think about implementing some of them and then paying Tolu for the insight. Thank God I'm not the only one not buying into this Obama for Africa (whatever) bull-ish