This past week, I have swallowed approximately four truck loads of shit…deep shit. Soon, I’ll be unable to take it anymore, not one more drop or I’d just burst. When I do burst, it won’t be all the ingested shit, flesh and blood that will be splashed. No. All that’ll be left of me will be salty water. Tears. I really should learn how to cry. I have heard that it helps.
I’ve got so many problems than I can't handle on my own, really. And I just can’t share. For me, a problem shared is a problem doubled. I’m a great listener (my sister, Lala, may not agree), I listen for a living…to anybody…anything. I guess that’s why I have so many problems: some of them aren’t even mine.
Anyways, this post isn’t about my problems…really. Blogger.com’s database cannot handle a fraction of my issues. Lol.
School’s out till September and I haven’t had any luck finding a holiday job…so for lack of better things to do, I found myself going through old stuff from way-back-when.
I almost never throw things out; notes, cards, letters, bookmarks, little papers with roughly scribbled words that mean something, everything.
Anyways, I found a will. Really, I’d almost forgotten about this thing o. It’s sooo funny, I really can’t believe I actually wrote this thing.
Five years ago, I was diagnosed with appendicitis. I was fourteen years old, the dormitory prefect and exams were around the corner, baddest time to fall ill. I read a lot of John Grishams in my secondary school days, I remember vividly I was halfway through The Testament.
All I thought I ever owned that really mattered to me was in the hostel...my friends.
I knew everything would turn out well somewhere at the back of my mind (or my dad wouldn’t let me go through wit it). The morning of my surgery, the doctor re-scheduled from 9am to 2pm, I was really really really nervous, I couldn’t read or watch T.V so I thought about dying, really thought about it…then I got a pen and paper and I wrote this (but t’was just to have a laugh at the end of it), funny I didn’t find it again till yesterday.
As I read this will, i was amazed atmy stupid sense of humor in my state at that time.
Last Will and Testament of Woomie.
I have appointed Ezi (my bestest friend) as executor of my estate. My assets are to be distributed as follows;
1. My pink and white bed sheet and pillow case go to Pizza. (Pizza's real name was Tobi, she was a champion bedwetter so we nicknamed her Piss-er and funkinized it...she had no idea)
2. My blue bucket and the other small green one go to Vivian, so you people can sleep till 5 am. (Vivian had this old rusty iron bucket that made sooo much noise, she was an early riser)
3. My Account and Commerce notes go to Ogundipe, Economics and Further Math notes go to you, and Biology note to Sandra, Give Mosunmade the rest and you can use my Yoruba note for your sketches. (i hated yoruba, my teacher had no idea, i was fairly good at it but i couldn't stand her. Ironically, i was her best student and 'friend' but we fell out)
4. My green traveling box should be sent back home, to my mother. (it was a Samsonite, a beauty...a bribe. I never really wanted to be a boarder)
5. My day wears, school uniforms, pj's and sport wears go to Queen. (she was the only one as big/bigger than me in the school, she was short...scary...and cute)
6. Give mummy my shampoo and tell her I love her ('Mummy' was what we generally called the matron)
7. My plates and cutleries go to Ororoo Pam, really. (she ate from this stainless plate that i couldn't feed my parrot in and she had no spoons, claimed they were stolen, so she 'protested' in the dining hall with her hands)
8. Ask Harmony if she truly saw Tokunboh using my back-scratcher on her vag, if she says yes, let her squat and fly for one period and then she can have it. Stupid bitch. (Tokunboh was and still as I've gathered is an annoying goat, i had this back-scrather, a carved plastic hand that i used to reach and itch down my back in my seasons of heat rash and break outs, Harmony sees everything and doesn't really lie, she caught Toks 'brooke-ing' herself with my back scrather, I was going to address the issue but i was ill...trust Ezi)
9. Give Harmony ALL my gel pens, colored pencils, and the math set. Ezi, everything! And u can give her the hot yellow one I lent you too. ( Harmony had talent, and Ezi needed a new partner in the event of my death to design the halls for our social gatherings and make birthday and thank-you cards for everybody)
10. My Tiky 20 eraser should go to Foslic and tell her she can have my bed space and the alarm clock. (not that she needed the alarm clock, we both were programmed to wake up at 5 mins to four, 5 mins before my alarm went off EVERYDAY)
11. Eh hen! Give Vivian my mattress o. (she spent her nights on the cold floors...long story)
12. Check my blue Mudd bag and give Ibk my new panties. Only the new ones o. And my stockings. And the bag too. (the greatest pest that ever lived, she'd beg you for the wierdest things...)
13. Give Kemi my rechargeable lamp. (My school daughter...Her's was broken)
14. Give Iheoma my Pressing Iron. (Another school daughter...she did the ironing anyways)
15. Tell that selfish that Toyosi she can read my Beyond Scandal and then give all my novels to my sister. (a worse book freak than me, she could read through an earthquake...champion suprise ruiner, i never let her read my novels before me)
16. Give my Modern Biology to Amaku and give the rest of my books to my cousin Yetunde in Hazoume’s class.
17. I stole that comprehension and summary text answers from Miss Emerewune (YAY), it’s in my box (313 is the pin), now everybody can stop scoring zero. Just cross your T’s and dot your I’s. And if you don’t want it, give it to Sandra to share with the others so you can keep you place at the bottom of the English class, Mother-in-Israel. (This our teacher, may her soul rest in peace, was impossible to please...I stole this answer booklet because that was our only way out...really it was)
18. Throw a room party and share my food (not the Kellogg’s stuff, give that to Vivian and my blanket too), don’t invite anybody from Room 4. Keep the Peanut butter for yourself and give Toyosi my garri. (Room 4 held their on party in secret, we actually invited 8 of them in the end when we couldn't stand their tears. Vivian again...long story)
19. Oh! Give my walkman to Okunsanya. (it was practically her's already)
Swit, I can’t remember everything jare, but share the rest of my stuff as you like...I trust you. Don’t be your usual mean self…lol. You can keep my white jacket (ur prayers have been answered) and give Ivy the red sweater...tell her she begged me to death.
I love you sooooo much but you can share the rest of my love equally among everybody.
Tell Lola and Foslic to remember to put extra pepper, salt and crayfish in the porridge and rice (without our extra help, the food in that dorm would have been a waste, everyday). Eh hen! Give mummy the rest of my water.
Be nice to everybody for me, and tell Bola, Sarah, Lolo and Aminat to please try and improve, for my sake. Oh! Give my Milo to Ms Anorexic and tell her I love her.
Love everybody for me. You can make it to the merit list, I know it...please don't sleep too much. That's the best thing i'm giving you, my space...share with Harriet, Ify, Philo and Sandra. You and Sandra should adopt all my school daughters, please. Forget about Ibk and Tosin Hazoume, they're big girls now. Please take care of Kemi, Iheoma, Ose and Sherifat, they can't squat and fly for too long.
Hey! And don’t cry too much, I am with y’all meen. Peace.
PS: my worst fears have been confirmed, I have died a virgin. (I remember exactly who I was thinking of when I wrote this...I'm laughing my ass off)
PIC: A card/bookmark Ezi made for me...from front to back.
After my surgery, my class, the WHOLE class , six teachers and two vice principals came to visit me at the clinic. Every single student wrote me a letter (or signed on someone elses's), I was busy reding and re-reading for three days. I had some complications afterwards with my stitches, I could've died...but I just couldn't, all the letters reminded me of the great life I was missing out on. I made it back to school after the 3 month long summer holiday, not full recovered, but around all my friends, it only took a few days, just like I told my folks. It's not really medicine that works, it's a will power to just be well...because it's hurting your loved ones to see you in a sorry state.
This will gets the award for the stupidest thing I ever did (one time I sprayed Baygon right in our Kerosene lamp…but this beats that). I decided to e-mail it to Ezi, just for the fun of it. Funny how I thought all these little little things were important. Truth is, it wasn’t really the food and stuff I was thinking about when I decided to give these things away, all I wanted was to share the love. I went to school with the best people in the world. A mixture of everything...good, bad and downright ugly. I was blessed. Oh! What I would give for one more day…just one. Finding this note yesterday admist all of this shit landing all around mehas done me a deal of good...I know how to be happy, I remember, I just need to try harder.
Anyways, back to the present. Now, about my problems...