Thursday, December 25, 2008
My grandma died on December 25th. of cancer. breast cancer.
I wasn't even born then.
But I miss her. I miss her, even though I don't know her, I can see what her absence does to my dad at Christmas.
I know he remembers the pain, the fight, the tears. And he can't smile genuinely, he can't laugh from deep in his stomach like he usually does, I miss that.
I miss my grandma.
This season sucks...somehow.
I don't like the new year's day either.
My uncle died on a 31st night. People had said that he wouldn't see the new year. I wanted to prove them wrong.
I did everything to prove them wrong. I had recently given my life to God at the time, I prayed and fasted and cried. I loved my uncle, I'ld choose him over my dad sometimes, that's how close we were. That's how much I loved him. I never worried about birthday cakes, holiday trips, pocket money, anything, he was always there. I'd always thought that if anything ever went wrong, I had him, I was secure. We were all secure.
For months, the doctors still couldn't get a proper diagnosis, they concluded that it was a spiritual attack, so I prayed and prayed. I didn't believe that someone somewhere could have made juju to hurt my uncle, my uncle had a large heart. He loved everyone. But relatives were dropping names and blaming juju. I didn't believe it, but I prayed and prayed.
Nothing happened, I even turned to Islam, I was confused , I did everything I could. He had to see the new year, I promised God anything; my womb, my brain, my legs, my hair, anything, just to save my uncle. I was 14. I was confused.
When my cousin called at a few minutes to midnight on the 31st. I just knew. Everything was a blur, my mother weeping like a baby, my father shivering and screaming, my brother crying and sniffing and not taking it like a man, my sister tearing out her hair and sweeping the whole sandy compound with her body, down to the main gate, back to the door, then again and again...I didn't try to stop her. I just stood there. I had never seen anything like that before.
I was in shock, and so, I couldn't cry. I picked my scarf, and went to church. I had questions. I still have those questions. I couldn't cry. And I couldn't bring myself to attend his funeral. I couldn't say goodbye, I can't.
I don't like death. I don't like what it does to me. And I don't understand why it happens on the wrong days, holidays, Christmas, NewYear's, Easter, birthdays, Children's Day, days that i want to be distracted but cannot...because the government says to me, 'SAY AT HOME AND MOURN!'. I don't understand. Why it sometimes takes away the people that I love. Why I can't cry about it, even though I hear that it helps to cry. Why I try not to love because I have abandonment issues. Why I love anyways. It scares me. It annoys me. And I try to be strong about it.
Sometimes, I wonder what it will feel like to cry about these things. I have tried. Tears are not enough. Prayers weren't enough. Better to save your strenght.
This season sucks. Even though it doesn't always happen like this every year, this is one of those years, I guess. Amongst other painful things, these are the scenes, the memories that I can't get out of my head.
So, everybody sweats me to share, that it helps. This is the best I can do as far as sharing goes. And I feel as though it hasn't helped.lol.
In the general spirit of Christmas, we have prepared an itineray for our dear *whispers* less priviledged blogfam member, Nauhty Eyes. Please follow this link to see how involved you are, cuz, trust me, you are. rotflamfao! It promises to be fun.
And by the way, I spoke with buttercup yesterday!!!! *whispers* she's in town. She doesn't want the sharp sharp pictures of her out, but I'll put them up to piss her off anyways. LOL.