Thursday, December 25, 2008

This Christmas.


My grandma died on December 25th. of cancer. breast cancer.
I wasn't even born then.
But I miss her. I miss her, even though I don't know her, I can see what her absence does to my dad at Christmas.
I know he remembers the pain, the fight, the tears. And he can't smile genuinely, he can't laugh from deep in his stomach like he usually does, I miss that.
I miss my grandma.

This season sucks...somehow.

I don't like the new year's day either.

My uncle died on a 31st night. People had said that he wouldn't see the new year. I wanted to prove them wrong.
I did everything to prove them wrong. I had recently given my life to God at the time, I prayed and fasted and cried. I loved my uncle, I'ld choose him over my dad sometimes, that's how close we were. That's how much I loved him. I never worried about birthday cakes, holiday trips, pocket money, anything, he was always there. I'd always thought that if anything ever went wrong, I had him, I was secure. We were all secure.

For months, the doctors still couldn't get a proper diagnosis, they concluded that it was a spiritual attack, so I prayed and prayed. I didn't believe that someone somewhere could have made juju to hurt my uncle, my uncle had a large heart. He loved everyone. But relatives were dropping names and blaming juju. I didn't believe it, but I prayed and prayed.

Nothing happened, I even turned to Islam, I was confused , I did everything I could. He had to see the new year, I promised God anything; my womb, my brain, my legs, my hair, anything, just to save my uncle. I was 14. I was confused.

When my cousin called at a few minutes to midnight on the 31st. I just knew. Everything was a blur, my mother weeping like a baby, my father shivering and screaming, my brother crying and sniffing and not taking it like a man, my sister tearing out her hair and sweeping the whole sandy compound with her body, down to the main gate, back to the door, then again and again...I didn't try to stop her. I just stood there. I had never seen anything like that before.

I was in shock, and so, I couldn't cry. I picked my scarf, and went to church. I had questions. I still have those questions. I couldn't cry. And I couldn't bring myself to attend his funeral. I couldn't say goodbye, I can't.

I don't like death. I don't like what it does to me. And I don't understand why it happens on the wrong days, holidays, Christmas, NewYear's, Easter, birthdays, Children's Day, days that i want to be distracted but cannot...because the government says to me, 'SAY AT HOME AND MOURN!'. I don't understand. Why it sometimes takes away the people that I love. Why I can't cry about it, even though I hear that it helps to cry. Why I try not to love because I have abandonment issues. Why I love anyways. It scares me. It annoys me. And I try to be strong about it.

Sometimes, I wonder what it will feel like to cry about these things. I have tried. Tears are not enough. Prayers weren't enough. Better to save your strenght.

This season sucks. Even though it doesn't always happen like this every year, this is one of those years, I guess. Amongst other painful things, these are the scenes, the memories that I can't get out of my head.

So, everybody sweats me to share, that it helps. This is the best I can do as far as sharing goes. And I feel as though it hasn't helped.lol.


*clears throat*
In the general spirit of Christmas, we have prepared an itineray for our dear *whispers* less priviledged blogfam member, Nauhty Eyes. Please follow this link to see how involved you are, cuz, trust me, you are. rotflamfao! It promises to be fun.


And by the way, I spoke with buttercup yesterday!!!! *whispers* she's in town. She doesn't want the sharp sharp pictures of her out, but I'll put them up to piss her off anyways. LOL.

Merry Christmas!!!!

18 comments:

exschoolnerd said...

hey dear..i guess the season brings back unwanted memories..take heart dear..JUST have a fab xmas n new yr..spend it with family and loved ones...i aint feeling the xmas spirit too...dunno if it dwindles as we get older..or dunno if we r expecting too much from the day...just spendng it the best way i can with my fam...

MERRY XMAS DEAR...

2009 will be better..love 4rm moi

rayo said...

aww babe, nd i thot xmas was rotten for me, i can imagine how tough it mst be for u with all those memories to cope with. pele dear. take care of urslf, goin to N.E's now

seye said...

Oh yeah...i have seen a few references to you! Well, let's blog while others PRETEND TO BE REUNITING! lol

Woomie O! said...

@ Seye: lol! I thought t'was just me facebooking and blogging on Christmas day. So I'm not pathetic afterall???

@ Rayo: did you like N.E.'s??? Please carry out your duties as stipulated...it's okay if you missed the 'arrival', there are other roles to be taken up you know?

@ XSN: Amen. Thank you sis. Cyber hugs are in order ei? You have seen N.E's plans for you, right??? Go out and buy the keepsake thing he talked about, whatever it is.lol.

StandTall-The Activist said...

Thier spirits are in heaven via the spirit of xmas. And may the xmas spirit console you and ease the pains of these memories

I heart you dear

rayo said...

i don c am, i go holler n.e 2nyt sef. xsn, i beta c her in d thong oh

rethots said...

Compliments of the season.

Jaguda said...

merry xmas too. try to enjoy it ok?

Writefreak said...

awwww..i hope you're feeling better now...sometimes things happen that we can't explain but one thing remains constant, God's loev for us.
What if your uncle lived and he ran mad or he became a vegetable? God knows things we don't know..i know this doesn't make sense but hope it helps....
Big hugs and a merry xmas and a happy new year anyway!

deola said...

Wish the coolness of the coming year. Nice one!

deola said...

complement of the season.

Mz. Dee said...

its the 31st and i just said a short prayer 4 u and ur uncle and ur grandma. All i keep sayin is God dey. And he knows best!

Hmm if ure plannin on blackmailin Burraboo...careful o! If i cash u eh!

Vera Ezimora said...

Woomie, I don't even know what 2 say. I can't summon some wise words right now.

Buttercup said...

aww seetie mi..wow, i realy am sorry..i pray God makes u and urs happy throughout this year and beyond, amen..

haha blackmail, huh?

aww deenky winky, thanx for having my back..mwah!

NaijaBabe said...

Babe pele o, just be strong life sucks generally.

I lost my cousin on the first of jan too to stray bullets on his way from service.

I hope you still had a good one though...pele

Naughty Eyes said...

Me, less privileged eh? If I flog you! And you can't even spell my name well sef! What insult! Oya as your punishment, you're hereby tagged. Visit the MN blog ASAP for more details.

Isi said...

update o...i have

FineBoy Agbero said...

see u! talkin abt updatin! olodo!