Doctor, I need help!

My ‘fast-approached’ exam is no longer news. Yesterday, I decided to hang out more at the library. So, it’s almost noon and after hurriedly escaping all the hi’s and hello’s, I make my way to the library. The first thing I notice is the crowd…then the noise! I’m like WTF is this???
I suddenly understood how Jesus felt when he found people trading in the Temple.
So I glance at the librarian and she’s suckling her screaming three-month old baby …the assistant librarian? He was busy making new friends with pretty girls at the photo-copy corner (by d way, that’s all he ever does since he was employed this semester).
So I’m wondering what good use I could make of this visit, then I remember my headphones in my bag! Off I go to find a comfy seat. There’s one at the corner right in front of the A/C, there’s only one dude there with his laptop. Perfect. I don’t know this guy, so I wasn’t expecting idle chat.
I make my way across the room, spread my books and take out my headphones, thank God for Enya. All is bliss…
But only for a while.
I think I’m hungry!!! Or thirsty? I dunno…but I am uncomfortable. That’s when mint helps me. I have one more Tom-Tom in my pocket, thank God. I tear out the wrapper and then there’s a tap on my back! Ok. Let me just throw this thing in my mouth before I look back BUT out of stupid curiosity, I look.
It’s the laptop guy, he’s saying something and I can’t hear him, so I take out my headphones and I’m like ‘excuse me?’, he points at my hand, oooookkkaaayyy, what’s this geek driving at? You like my hands? My ring? Or what?
‘Excuse me?’ I say, this time, even more sotto voce.
He points again and he says, ‘tom-tom, please’.
I pause, in my head I’m like WTF is this???
‘oh! Okay, but it’s already open’ I say, trying to discourage him.
‘Is that the last one?’ he asks
What am I? Unilever?
‘No’, I lie and hand it over to him.
I don’t even hear a ‘thank you’.
I put my headphones back on and even Enya can’t help me get over the fact that I have to go down 8 flights of stairs to get another tom-tom…but that’s not the real deal, it’s the climbing up part that’s pissing me off.
So, I zone out of this hunger/thirst/anger mood and concentrate on Management Accounting. I thought this book was written in English? Meeennn!
I close the damn thing and pick up Horace’s Satires; I’m not so bored anymore. I read for a while but I can’t stand the rumble in my tummy. I pack my things and by the way, the laptop guy already left (I’m guessing after all the tom-tom melted) without saying goodbye or asking for my name or something (asking for too much?) how do you eat from a COMPLETE stranger? I still don’t get it, pardon me if you do.
I head towards the door, mumble something to the now calm librarian’s baby who was smiling at me, pick up my bag and I’m out!
Phew! What a waste of time.
I’m down one floor already and then,
‘Excuse me?’ oh no! Not now.
‘Yeah?’ looking back, I’m not surprised to see it’s the assistant librarian…this should be easy.
‘My name is Precious’ oookkay, who names a guy ‘Precious’?
‘I do see you around here and I want to get to know you and be your friend’, he continues.
That wicked pang in my tummy again.
‘Precious, I’m in a hurry, let’s be friends tomorrow, okay?’
And I turn my back on him.
‘Ok, see you tomorrow. Shey you name is woomie? That’s what my oga calls you, abi?’
He still doesn’t get it?
‘Okay, tomorrow’ and then I add ‘bye’ like the stupid person I am sometimes.


I get to the school gate and I see this fresher guy in Business Administration that usually runs away from me, or at least that’s what I think. But now, it’s different, he’s walking towards me, ‘Please, can you spare fifty bucks?’
Houston, we have a problem!
I don’t even know your name.
‘Yeah’…I check my purse and hand him a note.
‘Thank you very much’ he nods and vamooses.
It is at that point I take a good look at myself, what is wrong with me today???
Let me stop here, what happened on the bus I boarded home is story for another day.


Doctor, can you please prescribe me something for ass-kissing?